Size / / /

Hallo all, Strange fam. We are here today to investigate another sumptuous episode of Buck Rogers and the Gyroscopic Elevator (for the previous episode, see here). I’m aware that is not what it the show is called, but that is how I remember it and so it is my truth. I am now going to do a recap of the show. Unfortunately, I am going to do that from memory as well, so it will either be mostly or wholly incorrect. So, I want to say there was a robbery in Dr. Huer’s lab? But nobody really cared. And even though they were the good guys, Buck Rogers and co stole a road worker’s bike. And then this other dude and a kid were on a rocket and the doctor told them to turn the rocket off, even though they were in outer space. And one of the bad guys is called Art Daily. Now, let us start things off with Popsicle Pete showing off so we can all feel bad about our lives.

This is a poster for Buck Rogers (serial). The poster art copyright is believed to belong to the distributor of the film, the publisher of the film or the graphic artist.


Fam, I don’t like Popsicle Pete.  Sorry for my racism but I just don’t.

Like he’s straight-up showing off about his popsicles and free gifts and it’s not fair when there is a pandemic and I am in a third world country.

I can say third-world country because I actually live in one so it’s cool.

INDIA IS NOT THIRD WORLD COUNTRY!11

Anyway, they keep saying he’s famous and I’m like, is he really though?

And that whole popsicle bag thing is just not family friendly y’all.

Pure. Fresh. Wholesome. Easy to digest. We no longer use these words to describe a popsicle.

Dr. Huer, Buck and the lady fellow (Wilma? idk) are talking about how the rocket plane (!!) is in good hands and the Gyrating Elevator is working perfectly.

Barney, one of the dudes in the ROCKET PLANE WOW, had said that they took off at full speed and they did not feel any acceleration, which means the Gyrating Elevator is working. And that’s enough science for me today.

Barney and co have decided to hang around the lab to see what was stolen.

Ok fam, they are figuring things out and it’s not that interesting but here’s what I got so far. Things were moved around, drawers were pulled out and there was not much damage.

I think Wilma did it. Because feminism is the worst.

My suspicion is confirmed by the fact that Wilma now seems keen on putting the blame on Candy Cane and Art Daily. I am aware those are not their names but whatever.

Wilma is like, these guys broke out of prison and came directly here because racism. Or something. Probably not racism.

Apparently only one of the bad guys was in the lab tho, because of so many reasons I am not interested in.

This show generally spends a lot of time having characters tell other characters information I am not interested in.

Sometimes when someone says Buck it sounds like fuck (WHAT A REVELATION WOW) and I have a moment where I wish I had friends so I can tell them this witty thing and they can love me even more.

Now Wilma is like, maybe it wasn’t Art Daily and Candy Cane.

Perhaps she is having an attack of conscience. CONFESS WILMA, IT WILL IMPROVE YOUR DIGESTION

Now I guess they are bored with talking, so they are looking to see what’s been stolen.

THE INSTRUMENT DEVISED BY PROFESSOR SMITH THE MAD SCIENTIST I AM DED

Also props for not giving this mad scientist one of those exotic foreign names like Henry.

IT’S CALLED THE PSYCHIC RESTRICTION RAY WOW.

Anyway it’s gone.

Now they are like oh my God we have to find this extremely dangerous thing right now.

Maybe next time don’t keep the extremely dangerous thing in the corner of the room like it’s a beanbag.

They are now opening every cabinet and locker in the place ... y, tho?

Bros, if it’s been stolen why would it be in a locker or cabinet inside selfsame place??

So I think they noticed the PSYCHIC RESTRICTION RAY WOW was missing, looked for it to see if it was somewhere around the lab and then deduced it had been stolen because, as we all know, they had just been robbed.

Fam, I’m so tired right now.

Buck and co now have a plan. Number 1, inform the President that they have a plan to go after Art Daily and Candy Cane. They are apparently going to do this once Barney comes back with the ROCKET PLANE.

That’s the plan? It’s not a great plan.

Number 2, they must get all the information about the prisoners’ escape from the ROCKET POLICE.

How is that going to help you right now though?

Now they are going to the space port so that when Barney comes, they take the Gyrating Elevator out of the ship, put it into another one number faster ship, and then I don’t know what’s happening ...

... because Wilma and Buck are now talking on the phone at the same time.

Ok now, we are on the ship and Candy Cane and Barney are exchanging pleasantries.

And by pleasantries I mean that Candy Cane is pointing a ROCKET PISTOL at them.

Back then, I guess they just put ‘rocket’ it front of things and it became the future.

Kinda like how we put ‘i’ in front of things and it becomes *insert Apple joke here*

Ok so Candy Cane, the escaped prisoner who escaped from prison, says bro, this isn’t your ship. And then he, the escaped prisoner from prison, said it was against the law to just take a ship like that which isn’t your ship.

WHO WILL PRAY FOR THE ROAD WORKER WHO HAD HIS BIKE TAKEN BY EVERYBODY?

Candy Cane is saying that once they land, they will be surrounded by Rocket Police, who have now been demoted to title case.

Candy Cane is now saying why not avoid all that trouble and just come with me.

Has he forgotten he has a gun in his hand and he could have just said ‘come with me if you want to live’? Oh I don’t care.

Barney was once anxious to work for Candy Cane. Oh what a dark and sordid history you have Barney!

He was an Air Pirate!

Now he is the Prime Minister of Mars!

That’s a good life bro.

Candy Cane is threatening to set up headquarters on Mars, just to show that he doesn’t care that Barney is the King of Mars.

Prime Minister, sry.

Fam, it’s actually little difficult to describe what it happening because not only is it confusing, it is happening very slowly.

Candy Cane wants them to take the ship to the ancient ruins of Philadelphia, which is obvs amazing.

I believe Art Daily went and stole the extremely dangerous thing and is now going to Philadelphia, as one does, when one has stolen an extremely dangerous thing.

And now, it’s time for Popsicle Pete to make us feel bad that we don’t have popsicles or wonderful gifts.

Don’t call me pal, Popsicle Pete. Just don’t.


This episode was a little confusing for me. I have many questions. but such is life; we have questions and no one answers them. Should you join us next time when we delve deeper into this nutritious yet delicious story? I don’t know! I don’t want to tell you what to do, fam. okbai.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Kuzhali Manickavel's collections Things We Found During the Autopsy, Insects Are Just like You and Me except Some of Them Have Wings and chapbooks The Lucy Temerlin Institute for Broken Shapeshifters Guide to Starving Boys and Eating Sugar, Telling Lies are available from Blaft Publications, Chennai. Her work has also appeared in Granta, Strange Horizons, Agni, Subtropics, Michigan Quarterly Review and DIAGRAM. She used to blog at http://thirdworldghettovampire.blogspot.com/. She's now at https://www.kuzhalimanickavel.com.
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