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Well, here we are fam, and here it is. The final episode of The Slide. We started listening to this in 2023! Two years, my dudes! So much has happened since then, like seriously, loved ones have passed on and I moved to a new place and I’ve laughed and cried and stuff like that. But like the spirit of Sauron, The Slide endured. Frankly, this story hasn’t panned out like I thought it would. Even though the terrible horrible no-good very bad mud has brain cells and squeaks like a rubber duck, I feel it has not really reached its full potential. There are also people having drama, which I haven’t been paying attention to because frankly I was only here for the mud. So let’s bring this show to its long-awaited conclusion, shall we? It is finally time to listen to the last episode of The Slide. 

*

Fam, we are finally out of the darkness.

As in, somebody just said that. I think. I’m not rewinding that to check so whatever.

I don’t know what darkness they mean anyway.

Oh like actual darkness like darkness in sewers. 

Did you remember that there were townspeople in the sewers? I certainly did.

I certainly didn’t.  

Anyway, two dudes are talking and I have no idea what they are talking about. I was able to discern the words ‘kip’, ‘funeral dirge’ and ‘church’.

I think someone is ringing the church bell? For like humanity? Which is super-helpful,  I guess.

We have received word that whoever was in the tunnels is now out of the tunnels. Except for Jane Marshall.

Jane Marshall don’t hang out in sewers, I mean really dear.

There are still thirty or forty people down there and they are in some kind of trance? 

Or maybe it’s just a party idk.

Cut to two scientific fellows who are studying the mud. 

Did you know there is also something called a Mud Cookie which is a famine food made from actual mud.

Famine foods are depressing.

Back in the lab, the two scientific fellows have decided to let in some fresh air and sunlight.

Something is happening to the mud!

It has become completely solid!

Did I mention that the mud was not solid before? I should have mentioned that.

This is why the mud becoming solid is a significant development. 

The scientific fellows both said ‘of course!’ at the same time so something particularly fruity should be happening soon.

Cut to the mayor’s wife Mrs. Deverill looking for her husband who, if memory serves, just tried to kill her.

Some evil force has taken over him entirely. In other words, he is going bananas. 

How evil is the force that has overtaken him? Well, he is currently trying to get back into the town of Redlow. And I for one cannot think of anything more evil than that.

Mr. Deverill’s face is bleeding, and the soldier fellow who has stopped him is getting very upset about it.

Mr. Deverill keeps shouting ‘They need me!’, which is something people say when they are going bananas.

He has now killed the hapless soldier fellow.

Anyway, the scientific fellows have figured out that the sun is the answer to all their mud problems. Let’s hear the breakdown, shall we?

The rays of the sun are what is damaging the mud, not the heat.

This is not a scientific thing. This is a battle between the mud and the sun.

I did not see that one coming, fam.

If the mud wants to control the earth, it must destroy everything that was created by the sun. Which, I guess, includes the humans.

I mean it’s a hard sell but this actor is really giving it all he has.

‘Nature has turned this into a psychological warfare.’

Now that’s something you don’t hear everyday.

They have figured out that they need to burn through all the brain cells of the mud and they have decided to do this with some kind of infra-red lamps. They have to be careful though because the heat may make the mud replicate itself.

No pressure then, cool.

Mr. Deverill is trying to head for the sewers now.

There were “dead birds and things” in the back seat of his car.

Spookay!

The authorities are firing warning shots to keep other people from going into the sewers. Mrs. D is convinced that they are going to shoot her husband.

She is doing some soliloquy now which is very boring for me.

A soldier is hearing sounds from the sewer now.

Only the soldier seems to be hearing these sounds maybe he is also going bananas.

Oh I hear it now. It’s not very interesting though.

Now the infra-red lamps are ready and we are going to turn them on. Exciting times!

All the peeps from the sewers are coming out! Welcome back guys!

Mr. D is just running amok because as we mentioned earlier, he has gone bananas. 

He is like, now we can destroy the evil in us and the evil we have created! With the mud! Which is not a bad idea actually.

I will follow you, Mr. D.

Someone just screamed.

Woah, is something sizzling?

Now something is bubbling.

And I think Mr. D is dead now, aw.

He was a restless spirit for sure.

The mud is spreading! Which I guess means the lamps didn’t work.

Well at least you guys tried, that’s what’s important. 

Oh wait, the lamps are working now.

The mud seems to be shrivelling up.

Everyone just said YAAAAAAY. 

And to round everything off nicely, the people from the sewers have been saved, Mr. D is dead which is cool because no one liked him anyway, and Jane Marshall is in the hospital, which is where everyone wants her to be.

Remember when I said that everyone said YAY? Well there are a few wet blankets here who are like ‘what do we do when this happens again’.

Hey man, just take the win and be happy.

*

So as expected, a rushed final episode that tried to tie everything up and felt like one was running through a museum while the tour guide was trying to explain everything very quickly. Obviously we can’t be snarky about things made in 1966, so I will just say that I legit loved the idea of sentient mud. It’s a great idea. Everything else was meh but good effort from everybody. It’s just one of those stories fam, where we give them three thumbs up for effort. On the bright side however, this show has finally come to an end. Join us next time when we will listen to something else! Bai fam.

 



Kuzhali Manickavel's collections Things We Found During the Autopsy, Insects Are Just like You and Me except Some of Them Have Wings, and chapbooks The Lucy Temerlin Institute for Broken Shapeshifters Guide to Starving Boys and Eating Sugar, Telling Lies are available from Blaft Publications, Chennai. Her work has also appeared in Granta, Strange Horizons, Agni, Subtropics, Michigan Quarterly Review, and DIAGRAM. She used to blog at http://thirdworldghettovampire.blogspot.com/. She's now at https://www.kuzhalimanickavel.com.
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