Hallo most dearest and most strange fam! We are gathered here today to listen to the second instalment of a cheeky little BBC audio drama called The Slide. From what I remember, the first episode featured some voice actors I like but I can’t remember who they are now. I also remember sentient and possibly malicious mud? Am I just hoping for sentient and malicious mud? Anyway there was definitely mud and I firmly believe it could be sentient and malicious if it wanted to be. Anyways let’s get started; as always, if you want to listen along, you can do so here.

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So bear with me now. This show was written by Victor Pemberton, who wrote the episode called Fury from the Deep for the fifth season of Doctor Who. That particular episode, which is now missing, was based on The Slide. The Slide also stars Roger Delgado, who would go on to be the first person to play The Master in Doctor Who. It’s just a wondrous bouquet of knowledge, fam.

To recap, this town has been hit by a series of Earth tremors which seems to have culminated in malevolent mud vomiting all over the place, which is amazing. I think some weird things have happened to certain people too? But we don’t care so much about that, we are here basically for the mud.

So the MP Hugh Deverill has just gotten a call in the middle of the night telling him all about this amazing mud.

Fam, MP Hugh Deverill is played by Maurice Denham, and this conversation could have been straight out of one of his Maigret radio plays, Lucas waking him up in the middle of the night to say there’s been a murder, him mumbling, it’s the same energy.

So the mud has been coming out of a fissure and going down a hill and it's about to hit someone’s farm.

Hugh’s wife is saying there is no hill there, the area is flat as a pancake whaaaaaat.

I love these kinds of revelations, it's like pop rocks going off in your mouth.

Now cut to some dudes trying to pick away at the mud but it apparently has become like stone which is so mysterious you guys.

A police inspector has said the mud looked filthy, like what comes out of a volcano.

Does he mean lava?

Would you say lava looks filthy?

Well whatever it was, it was bubbling and moving and making offensive noises.

And by offensive, he means ‘slithering and squeaking noises’.

I have never found those sounds offensive because I am not a liberal snowflake.

Fam, the mud is apparently green.

How does green mud look like lava?

I understand that I should probably just let all this go and I am sorry.

The dudes who are investigating the mysterious mud are just so baffled by it fam.

I am baffled that green mud somehow looked like lava and that’s all I’m going to say about it I swear.

Everyone is getting handsy with the mud because no one thinks it could be toxic or whatever. Because it was the ’60s.

Hugh Deverill wants to know why the mud is being like that, and the scientists are saying a bunch of stuff which basically means they don’t know.

They are now going to start investigating but they want it to be super-secret.

I guess it’s just cooler that way, no?

Anyway, cut to a dude shooting rabbits with his dog. RIP poor rabbits

The doctor is also with him. I feel like we encountered this doctor in the first episode no?

Mickey the dog has returned with a blackbird instead of a rabbit.

Is the bird dead? I think it’s dead.

But there are no bullet holes in it VERY MYSTERIOUS

Apparently, when we weren’t here, the doctor saw something fall from the sky so it must have been this selfsame blackbird.

Do you guys have only the one blackbird over there?

Cut to an inspector talking to a Mrs. Luke.

After a very long time, we understand that Mrs. Luke saw Ted in Hollymill Lane, which is where the mud is I think.

Ted is the homeless old guy from the first ep I think so.

So Ted seems to have been heading to the crevasse, and Mrs. Luke stopped him but felt something was wrong. And then he turned to her. And his face was yellow and old. And his eyes were strange. And he told her to go away.

I mean it was more interesting when she said it.

And Ted killed a wood pigeon? I think?

Now cut to those other guys who found the blackbird and now they are saying it’s a wood pigeon.

Or Is this another bird apart from the blackbird?

Wait, have they found a bunch of dead wood pigeons?

Where is the blackbird anyway?

Ok now they are hiding from someone.

Why are they hiding though?

It’s Mary, wife of the rabbit-shooting-dude, walking into the forest.

Maybe all this is exciting if you’re actually there?

Cut to two scientists in a school lab I think.

If there was any doubt as to whether the scientist named Gomez was “Latin” or not, let the record show that he just said “We Latins are known for our excitable nature”. Which, as we all know, is something only a true Latin would say.

Earth tremors have now been reported in the north! But don’t worry, the scientists have already discovered something important.

They have discovered that this is all part of a pattern.

Was kinda hoping for more than that guys.

The pattern is first the tremors were in the seabed, then in the south, and now they are in the north.

How is that a pattern?

Also there is no way to predict where the next tremor will hit.

How is any of this information helpful right now you guys.

In other news! Someone took a mud sample and it has burnt a hole in that someone’s briefcase.

So this bright green solid mud, which also has streaks in it, is the exact same thing that Scientist Gomez saw after an earthquake in Chile.

Cut to a hospital? And a nurse is saying that Ms. Marshall has been moved because she is delirious and bothering the other patients.

I think Ms. Marshall is that one lady who was hanging out with the doctor in the first episode.

“Is she still delirious?” “Well apparently. But it’s so terribly difficult to tell!” What does this even mean fam.

Ms. Marshall has just been lying there mumbling.

How is this bothering the other patients?

You know what just happened? She opened her eyes, said life it’s life, and closed her eyes.

Again, I guess you had to be there.

Cut to that rabbit-shooting-man digging a hole in the night because his dog Mickey died.

Aw that's sad. RIP Mickey.

So apparently, there are a bunch of dead animals everywhere and the doctor is like maybe your wife did this bro wtf

The doctor wants to know why all these animals are dying and he said “I want to know why and for what reason”, which both mean the same thing but we won’t hold it against him because he is in the grips of strong emotion.

Now a Scottish man has run up to them, saying he is looking for the doctor.

He is from a group of people who have been exploring nearby caves and then I think someone fell inside a cave?

This night is fraught with so much emotion.

Cut to Hugh’s wife, who was just passing by the school in the middle of the night, so she decided to go in and have a chat with Gomez, who is working there.

Now she is telling Gomez how her husband doesn’t love her wow ma’am where are your boundaries.

You better not behave inappropriately with Gomez he just wants to live his life and has enough problems being Latin and all.

Gomez is telling her to go home.

And at this opportune moment, someone has come rushing in saying that the mud is moving all over the place again.

Now we are with the doctor in the cave, looking for that person who got hurt.

The Scottish man is showing the doctor cave paintings, because this is absolutely the right time to do this.

Now they are looking at stalagmites which are a gorgeous green.

Dudes aren’t you supposed to be helping someone who is hurt or something?

Now we are back outside to the squeaky mud which actually sounds like a bunch of birds.

The mud seems to be burning everything in its way.

Meanwhile in the cave, they have finally found the injured dude near a waterfall, I think he broke his leg.

The injured guy is like, “Where have you blokes been??” and I’m like, bro they were just sauntering around looking at cave paintings and stalagmites and not caring about you at all.

Also, the second dude who was down there is dead now, so really nice going you guys, you are the worst.

So here’s what happened. Remember that old guy Ted? He seems to have wandered into the caves, and was being weird, and Keith who was that other dude, he was like hey wtf you are being weird also my friend just broke his leg. But Ted continued being weird so Ted and Keith got in a fight and they both pitched over into the waterfall.

Also the water in the waterfall isn’t water, it's the squeaky mud?

I don’t know how that would work but there it is.

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I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as the first one. There was a lot of jumping around and I couldn’t remember who everyone was, which is totally my fault. And I had way too many questions, which is so unseemly in a woman.  I’ve also been thinking of how Hugh’s wife just kind of wandered into the school lab in the middle of the night because why not right? Anyway, let us hope things pick up a bit in our next refreshing instalment of this potentially amazing show. Bai.