Hallo strange fam! Here we are with the fifth instalment of that regal and doughy radio play called The Slide. There are only two more episodes to go! Isn’t that exciting? Not really! Today’s episode is called Danger Point, which could mean that we are about to reach the denouement of our bubbly little foray into the world of scary mud. I’m not particularly excited about it, but it’s a nice day and I got a new pack of gum, so things are pretty good and I don’t mind listening just now

Here we go.

Our opening scene consists of a dude, a nurse and a Janet.

They are in the old windmill and the mud is seeping in.

You may remember that the last time we saw Janet, she was running away from the hospital.

The dude, who is Dr. Richards, is relentlessly bombarding Janet with questions.

Janet is relentlessly not answering his questions.

She says she left the hospital because people kept coming and staring at her. Which does sound pretty awful.

Dr. Richards keeps insisting Janet is ill. Janet says that she is not ill, she just wants to be left alone.

This is very poignant fam #leavejanetalone

Now she is being questioned about the seven other patients who also went missing from the hospital.

Why would you expect a patient to know what is going on with other patients?

This is wust hospital I say.

Dr. Richards has given Janet a thrilling ultimatum! Go back to the hospital right now! Or it’s totally up to you!

I guess Janet is going back to the hospital.

I also feel like everyone decided this except Janet.

Janet also has a dead sparrow in her hand, in case anyone wanted to know this.

Something just exploded.

They are sealing all the caves with explosions.

Dr. Richards is adamant that the people sealing the caves go and deal with the windmill, but the person in charge of exploding things says they just don’t have enough blokes.

I only used the word ‘blokes’ because he did, and not because of racism.

You know why there aren’t enough blokes? Because there are currently five mud overflows happening right now, and all the blokes are busy.

Blokes.

Ok now I’m just being racist.

Everyone in town has been evacuated, right?

Because that’s what you do when there are five overflows of killer mud eating a town. Right?

Now we learn that Janet and the nurse still haven’t returned to the hospital.

Some other fellow says that once Janet gets back, she should be sent back to psychiatry, and Dr. Richards basically says ‘Pish, sir. I say bah!’

The rest of that conversation was too boring for me to pay attention sry.

Now suddenly a lady is on the phone reporting an accident.

Is that the nurse?

Meanwhile, the mud continues to do its thing.

Oh, NOW they’re thinking about evacuating people.

And that too only “if necessary.”

You guys are the worst at being in charge of towns that are drowning in scary mud.

Mrs. Deverill has suddenly appeared in the midst of all this hullabaloo with her very own emergency. And the emergency is that her husband is ...

Calling a press conference at 5 pm!!

This is an emergency because he has no authority to do this. But he’s doing it anyway.

Seriously. That’s the emergency.

Mrs. Deverill fears he is going to tell the press that the destruction of the town is inevitable.

Please excuse me while I rub my face in frustration.

‘The Slide’, you are making it really hard for me to love you right now.

We are now at the press conference where Mr. Deverill has put a scale model of the town on display. Because that’s what’s important right now.

How he managed to make this model while the town is drowning in killer mud, we may never know.

I have absolutely no idea what this man is trying to say.

I still have no idea what this man is trying to say.

Is he excited about dying in the mud?

Did he just run off saying ‘death is not finality’?

What the actual fuck you guys.

Oh wait, I think he came back.

He just said a lot of weird things that culminated in ‘the sun is no longer the creator’.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

I think the press conference, such as it was, is over.

I feel so tired.

Anyway, cut to Dr. Richards comforting Mrs. Luke.

The accident she called about was caused by, and I sort of quote but not really, Janet going berserk. And also by two stupid old people who sprang out of nowhere in the dark.

Use better words Mrs. Luke.

Janet tried to drive into these two people, changed her mind, swerved, crashed and then ran off with the people she had previously tried to drive into.

However, what is really blowing Dr. Richards’ mind right now, is the fact that Janet was carrying around a dead sparrow which she threw into the river.

What a roller coaster of emotions you guys.

The press conference isn’t over! Mr. Deverill is taking questions now!

I am not ready for this.

Basically the press is saying bro disaster is happening, and Mr. Deverill is like no it isn’t because he has gone bananas.

Someone has just asked the press to disregard everything Mr. Deverill said for the last hour.

You guys let him go on like that for an hour??

Cut to the evacuation of an apartment building where everyone on the top floor seems to be stuck.

We now receive word that Farmer Wilson has barricaded himself inside his house with his missus, and is shooting at the people trying to get to them.

You know, from a certain perspective, ‘The Slide’ is a story of one set of people bothering another set of people who just want to be left alone.

Now the scientists are talking at this clown show of a press conference.

You know what’s actually happening right now? An extensive recapping of events and whatnot so that the story doesn’t actually have to move forward.

That was such a tedious segment I can’t even tell you.

Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Deverill chilling after that amazing press conference.

Mr. Deverill is upset because of...corruption?

I think he’s saying that only Nature has the power to create and not anyone else.

I’m not sure where the corruption comes in though.

Mr. Deverill now has a stick.

He has destroyed the town model with this stick and run away.

Now we are back with the Wilsons who are still refusing to come out, even though the mud is about to eat them.

Mrs. Wilson is like, this is our house! We are never leaving! And Mr. Wilson is like but it’s so hot here.

This is really, really squeaky mud.

I hope it eats them.

*

This episode was frustrating and hilarious, just like so many things in life. What do the last two episodes have in store for us? Maybe something coherent happens in the story? Maybe an appearance by verbally abusive rocks? Plants that extensively quote things with no reliable source? Whatever it is, it will also be hilarious and frustrating fam. Just like life! Bai dears.