Content warning:
after Sleep Token
Even the nihilism
that managed to keep
me alive has remembered
its purpose. Whatever
held me together, kept
me bridled, has fled.
The stars drag themselves
out from my body
& leave a hole, pouring.
There, I dwell in my red.
The blood wells into
a well of blood. There,
in the pool, I unspool.
Emptied. I have no will
to gather what has left
me, what is left of me.
Instead, I crawl,
half-bone, half-bruise,
to the waterbody.
Let the sea rejuvenate.
Let the blue light wash
away the blood. So I
jettison, name the water
Jordan, in the belief
that whatever is named
will obey its name. But
like everything born of
the world, it disappoints
me, lusts after me.
The disillusionment—
all the water seeks is
to swallow weight,
to drown whatever
it holds in its throat.
Tell me, what miracle,
what good do I not
deserve? Before you
abandon me, last shard
of light, witness me.
Am I not beautiful
enough for joy? Lift me.
Let me rise, ascend
the ruins of this place.
Place me above
the carnivorous sea.
See, seawater moving
with teeth. See—
water rising up to my
teeth. I will not let you
let me be buried here.
I refuse to be quieted
by what quiets my thirst.
I know I am nothing
to the vast world, that
if I vanish, the hills
won’t fall to their knees.
Only what is cherished
will be mourned for.
The leaf crumples from
the oak, & the branch
forgets, replaces it.
My seeping star. Look
back as you crawl out.
If you do not come
for me, I will become
the blue. I will open up
my mouth & swallow
the entire sea.