Size / / /

The summer I was eleven, my hair was the color of corn silk. Not the tawny cat color that Clairol calls corn silk at the Rite Aid; it actually looked like the kind on real corn, where each strand is white-gold and see-through, but together they're kinda almost green. As soon as I realized, I knew I had to join the swim team. Mom thought it was the chlorine. She got me Neutrogena shampoo, which stripped all the leftover conditioner out and made my wet hair squeak between my wrinkled fingers.

When I was twelve, we had a pool in the backyard and me and my friends spent a lot of time lying next to it with baby oil on our skin and Sun-In on our hair. We didn't really swim much; no matter how much chlorine my dad dumped in, the algae kept coming back thicker and thicker on the side near our lounge chairs, choking the pump until it burned out and died. Like having a heart attack, Dad said. It looked like invasion of the alien slime monsters to me, but Mom says they call it "bloom."

In eighth grade, two of the guys started whispering "smells like fish" to each other whenever I came near them, especially if I uncrossed my legs or bent over. I snatched the glasses off Jason and stomped on them, and punched his buddy in the ribs. Since I was an honor-roll kid and I'd never been caught fighting before, they let me off with a week of detention and writing a paper on the fighting-words doctrine. I got a B.

In ninth grade, I started poking holes in the webbing between my fingers with a safety pin in math class. They called my mom in to the guidance office and she came out stuffing a bunch of Xeroxes into her purse. I thought I was grounded for sure, but she kept talking about emotional pain until I asked her if she and Dad were getting a divorce. After that we went to Carvel. Then she took me to the salon and said I could get anything I wanted. I got blue highlights, which Mom thought was sort of okay because she read in the New York Times how all the girls are doing it. I don't even like Hannah Montana.

Mom likes talking in the car about serious stuff because then she doesn't have to look at me or figure out what to do with her hands. She said I know it's hard for you, becoming a woman. I said that's not the problem. She said I hope you're not blaming me. I said no but I don't think she believed me.

I know it's not her fault. I'm not a retard, and I had a whole semester of bio already. Mom is clearly not a fish. I know it's got to be one of my grandmothers' fault, or maybe great-grandmothers'. I can't tell who because Dad's mom is dead and Mom doesn't talk to her folks and in all the really old pictures they had long skirts. Jimmy Hoffa could be under there.

I'm pretty sure it isn't going to happen to my sister Allie too. At least, Mrs. Krupinski says it doesn't work like that with blue eyes. But she's only eight, so I kept the Sun-In, just in case.

I don't know how long the total mermaidification of me is going to take. Maybe not till college. Mom always says don't hold your breath about waiting for things to change, but I do, at night with my mouth smushed against the pillow, or in the school pool with my hair making a big jellyfish cloud in front of my face. I can do it for three minutes now. My knees and elbows are getting scaly already, but I got this great seaweed lotion from The Body Shop that keeps it under control. When it comes, I'll be ready. I'm doing my science project on coral reefs. I stole my mom's pearls that she never wears anyway. I sent half my birthday money to Greenpeace. And I'm making myself learn to eat sushi.




Meredith Schwartz's short stories have appeared in Reflection's Edge and in the Torquere Press anthology Sleeping Beauty, Indeed. She edited Alleys & Doorways, an anthology of homoerotic urban fantasy, for Torquere, and reviews science fiction and fantasy for Publishers Weekly and Library Journal. To contact her, send her email at mschwartz@earthling.net.
Current Issue
31 Mar 2025

We are delighted to present to you our second special issue of the year. This one is devoted to ageing and SFF, a theme that is ever-present (including in its absence) in the genre.
Gladys was approaching her first heat when she shed her fur and lost her tail. The transformation was unintentional, and unwanted. When she awoke in her new form, smelling of skin and sweat, she wailed for her pack in a voice that scraped her throat raw.
does the comb understand the vocabulary of hair. Or the not-so-close-pixels of desires even unjoined shape up to become a boat
The birds have flown long ago. But the body, the body is like this: it has swallowed the smaller moon and now it wants to keep it.
now, be-barked / I am finally enough
how you gazed on our red land beside me / then how you traveled it, your eyes gone silver
Here, I examine the roles of the crones of the Expanse space in Persepolis Rising, Tiamat’s Wrath, and Leviathan Falls as leaders and combatants in a fight for freedom that is always to some extent mediated by their reduced physical and mental capacity as older people. I consider how the Expanse foregrounds the value of their long lives and experience as they configure the resistance for their own and future generations’ freedom, as well as their mentorship of younger generations whose inexperience often puts the whole mission in danger.
In the second audio episode of Writing While Disabled, hosts Kristy Anne Cox and Kate Johnston welcome Farah Mendlesohn, acclaimed SFF scholar and conrunner, to talk all things hearing, dyslexia, and more ADHD adjustments, as well as what fandom could and should be doing better for accessibility at conventions, for both volunteers and attendees.
Friday: The Book of Disappearance by Ibtisam Azem, translated by Sinan Antoon 
Issue 24 Mar 2025
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Issue 10 Mar 2025
By: Holli Mintzer
Podcast read by: Emmie Christie
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Issue 24 Feb 2025
Issue 17 Feb 2025
Issue 10 Feb 2025
By: Alexandra Munck
Podcast read by: Claire McNerney
Issue 27 Jan 2025
By: River
Issue 20 Jan 2025
Strange Horizons
By: Michelle Kulwicki
Podcast read by: Emmie Christie
Issue 13 Jan 2025
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