Hello, and welcome
To the Antique Roadshow of the Occult
From the convention hall
In scenic Salem,
Our experts are waiting to meet you.

Here's a family grimoire,
A magnificent specimen,
Bound in human skin
But wait,
Oh, I'm sorry,
Written in chicken blood
Barely worth a soul

Up next,
A wand from the temple
of Ramses the first
Quite rare
But incomplete
Without the matching staff
Very nice, though
Probably valued at ten skulls
Has it been in the family long?

Oh, here's a wonderful piece --
A witch's cauldron
Obviously a common item, But look at the stamp:
"Made in Scotland"
Macbeth was here
You won't need a moneylender any more.

Stump the expert?
I don't think so
What you have here is a tailbone
From the archangel Michael
He lost it in battle,
Though he won the war.
Notice the halo in the light
Good for ten bargains with the devil, at least.

Well, that's all the time
We have for this show
Join us next time,
Coming to you from the cemeteries
Of New Orleans
Until then, may your treasures
Bring you the pleasures
You richly deserve.

John R. Platt is: an award-winning copywriter; a reviewer for the Joe Bob Briggs Book Club; the author of a collection of humorous horror stories (Die Laughing); a frequent guest lecturer; a former resident of a haunted house; and a former president of the Garden State Horror Writers. His previous publications in Strange Horizons can be found in our Archive.