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Hello, and welcome
To the Antique Roadshow of the Occult
From the convention hall
In scenic Salem,
Our experts are waiting to meet you.

Here's a family grimoire,
A magnificent specimen,
Bound in human skin
But wait,
Oh, I'm sorry,
Written in chicken blood
Barely worth a soul

Up next,
A wand from the temple
of Ramses the first
Quite rare
But incomplete
Without the matching staff
Very nice, though
Probably valued at ten skulls
Has it been in the family long?

Oh, here's a wonderful piece --
A witch's cauldron
Obviously a common item, But look at the stamp:
"Made in Scotland"
Macbeth was here
You won't need a moneylender any more.

Stump the expert?
I don't think so
What you have here is a tailbone
From the archangel Michael
He lost it in battle,
Though he won the war.
Notice the halo in the light
Good for ten bargains with the devil, at least.

Well, that's all the time
We have for this show
Join us next time,
Coming to you from the cemeteries
Of New Orleans
Until then, may your treasures
Bring you the pleasures
You richly deserve.

 

Copyright © 2004 John R. Platt

(Comments on this poem | Poetry Forum | Main Forum Index | Forum Login)


John R. Platt is: an award-winning copywriter; a reviewer for the Joe Bob Briggs Book Club; the author of a collection of humorous horror stories (Die Laughing); a frequent guest lecturer; a former resident of a haunted house; and a former president of the Garden State Horror Writers. His previous publications in Strange Horizons can be found in our Archive.



Bio to come.
Current Issue
20 Jan 2020

Corey slipped his hand into the puppet’s back, like he had done many times with the doctor who made him talk about Michael and bathtubs and redness. His breath and stomach squeezed whenever he reached into dark, invisible places.
By: Justin C. Key
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
In this episode of the Strange Horizons podcast, editor Anaea Lay presents Justin C. Key's “One Hand in the Coffin.”
But I thought of apple skin clinging to a curve, yet unshaped by apple-sorcery.
By: Jessica P. Wick
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
In this episode of the Strange Horizons podcast, editor Ciro Faienza presents Jessica P. Wick's “Sap and Superstition.”
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Issue 13 Jan 2020
By: Julianna Baggott
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Terese Mason Pierre
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Podcast read by: Terese Mason Pierre
Issue 6 Jan 2020
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Issue 23 Dec 2019
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Issue 16 Dec 2019
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Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
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Issue 9 Dec 2019
By: SL Harris
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By: Jessy Randall
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Issue 2 Dec 2019
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By: Mari Ness
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Issue 25 Nov 2019
By: Nisa Malli
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
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Issue 18 Nov 2019
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Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Alicia Cole
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By: Rivqa Rafael
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By: Mary McMyne
By: Ugonna-Ora Owoh
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Issue 28 Oct 2019
By: Kelly Stewart
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Podcast read by: Kelly Stewart
Monday: Aniara 
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