Size / / /

Hello, and welcome
To the Antique Roadshow of the Occult
From the convention hall
In scenic Salem,
Our experts are waiting to meet you.

Here's a family grimoire,
A magnificent specimen,
Bound in human skin
But wait,
Oh, I'm sorry,
Written in chicken blood
Barely worth a soul

Up next,
A wand from the temple
of Ramses the first
Quite rare
But incomplete
Without the matching staff
Very nice, though
Probably valued at ten skulls
Has it been in the family long?

Oh, here's a wonderful piece --
A witch's cauldron
Obviously a common item, But look at the stamp:
"Made in Scotland"
Macbeth was here
You won't need a moneylender any more.

Stump the expert?
I don't think so
What you have here is a tailbone
From the archangel Michael
He lost it in battle,
Though he won the war.
Notice the halo in the light
Good for ten bargains with the devil, at least.

Well, that's all the time
We have for this show
Join us next time,
Coming to you from the cemeteries
Of New Orleans
Until then, may your treasures
Bring you the pleasures
You richly deserve.

 

Copyright © 2004 John R. Platt

(Comments on this poem | Poetry Forum | Main Forum Index | Forum Login)


John R. Platt is: an award-winning copywriter; a reviewer for the Joe Bob Briggs Book Club; the author of a collection of humorous horror stories (Die Laughing); a frequent guest lecturer; a former resident of a haunted house; and a former president of the Garden State Horror Writers. His previous publications in Strange Horizons can be found in our Archive.



Bio to come.
Current Issue
9 Dec 2019

“Full ahead, Mister Sal,” says Moore. I grit my teeth and force the Anastasis forward. The engines, the strongest of any ship I’ve ever steered, screech and whine like dying things. The nightgaunts are ten deep around us and it’s like flying through tar.
By: SL Harris
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
In this episode of the Strange Horizons podcast, editor Anaea Lay presents SL Harris's “Into the Eye.”
I stand in a cell for suffrage.
By: Jessy Randall
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
In this episode of the Strange Horizons podcast, editor Ciro Faienza presents Jessy Randall's “Mary Agnes Chase (1869-1963).”
Issue 2 Dec 2019
By: Sheldon Costa
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Mari Ness
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 25 Nov 2019
By: Nisa Malli
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Podcast read by: Nisa Malli
Issue 18 Nov 2019
By: Marika Bailey
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Alicia Cole
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 11 Nov 2019
By: Rivqa Rafael
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Mary McMyne
By: Ugonna-Ora Owoh
Podcast read by: Mary McMyne
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 28 Oct 2019
By: Kelly Stewart
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Podcast read by: Kelly Stewart
Monday: Aniara 
,
Issue 21 Oct 2019
By: Omar William Sow
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Amy H. Robinson
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 14 Oct 2019
By: Kevin Wabaunsee
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Ruben Reyes Jr.
Podcast read by: Ruben Reyes Jr.
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 7 Oct 2019
By: Charles Payseur
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Davian Aw
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Issue 30 Sep 2019
By: Kali de los Santos
Podcast read by: Anaea Lay
By: Heitor Zen
Podcast read by: Julia Quandt
By: Sérgio Motta
Podcast read by: Sérgio Motta
By: Isa Prospero
Podcast read by: Solaine Chioro
Monday: 3% 
,
Issue 23 Sep 2019
By: August Huerta
Podcast read by: Ciro Faienza
Load More
%d bloggers like this: