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Quiet now
Don’t want to scare the little fella

Y’know, a lot of people think unicorns are just horses with horns,
but from this close you can see—
Nah, that’s not a horse

Horse hooves have a single toe, broad and U-shaped
That beauty over there has cloven hooves
which help him keep his footing
over the gnarled roots and crags of the old growth forest
That makes him an even-toed ungulate
order Artiodactyla
along with the ruminants
(deer, cows, giraffes, all your cud chewers),
pigs, hippos,
and—believe it or not—whales

That’s right! When you look back in the family tree,
a whale is a closer relative to a unicorn than a horse is

Well, hello there!
We were just talking about you
Wanted to come check us out, eh?
Ah ah ah,
that’s my microphone
Don’t eat that

You see that snout? Just like a deer’s, one long funnel for scents
I reckon he can smell a pure soul from a mile away
And the teeth, ground smooth as bottle glass on the beach
This animal’s been alive for longer than we can imagine
Might have his portrait in an illuminated manuscript or two
He’s seen world wars, the birth of industry, the Crusades, plagues
and now—
Oh
I guess we’re
having a cuddle?

Crikey
that’s the softest thing I’ve ever felt

Look at those eyes
There’s the family resemblance—unicorns and whales have got the same eyes
Gaze back into them and you feel it
eons of history
the weight of being infinite in a world that isn’t
harpoon barbs and arrow points
killing irons and iron cages
and the understanding
sure as sunlight
that nothing ever really ends



Theo Nicole Lorenz is the writer and illustrator behind Unicorns Are Jerks: a coloring book exposing the cold, hard, sparkly truthThe Trans Self-Care Workbook; and various other helpful and unhelpful books. You can find more of their work at theonicole.com and pictures of their cats on Twitter @theonicole.
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16 Jun 2025

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